don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
