I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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