I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
