Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
