This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
