Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
