I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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