Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
