I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I got her a Nickelback box set.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
