DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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