I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
