I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Less talking, more tequila
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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