By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
