I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
