you turned your livingroom into a bong?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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