Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
