She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
