I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
