if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
