I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
