R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
