I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
