There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
