My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
