Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
