This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
