I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
