it's like iHOP with fire
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
