Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish you could order shots online.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
