I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
