first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
