I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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