Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
