I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
