if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
