I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
