I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
