I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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