oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Jerry, you need to find god
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My ATM looks so different sober.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
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