It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
