In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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