I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
