apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
