This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
