I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
