i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
someone owes me an orgasm
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I need a burrito and a hug.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
