i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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