rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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