I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
