my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
A bitchslap is in order.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
